La spitalul de nebuni vine o inspectie. De la intrare sunt uimiti de priveliste. Peste tot numai sange si raniti. La fel si la etajele superioare. Speriat, inspectorul sieduce la biroul directorului pe care il gaseste cu un cutit infipt in piept. Cu o ultima rasuflare, directorul ia cutitul si il infige in inspector si zice: -Esti la leapsa!
a thief comes to steal from a house. On the outside he sees written: "Beware, dangerous parrot" The thief laughs, and enter the house. He didn't have time to make a step, he hears the parrot: "Rex, attack!"
_______________________________________ death is the only certainity in life. Sooner ar later it will come to us all. The only thing you can do is live your life as much as you can, cuz Death shall take you, but not your spirit nor your memories.
A scuba diver was swimming 15 meters under the sea. He notices another man close to him, but the other person has absolutely no diving equipment. The diver then goes down to 20 meters, the other guy quickly catches up with him. Then the diver goes down to 30 meters, but the other pesron goes there as well. Really angry, the diver writes on his waterproof board -"What the hell are you doing here without equipment?" The other writes back -"I'M DROWING YOU IDIOT !"
_______________________________________ death is the only certainity in life. Sooner ar later it will come to us all. The only thing you can do is live your life as much as you can, cuz Death shall take you, but not your spirit nor your memories.
#4
claudia
Vizitator
te rog eu necro nu mai lua dupa net...bancuri mai mai ales in engleza
bancuri – poza de claudia, in Forum Demonstrativ · 28.1KB
The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought that odd since they were normally a couple thousand each. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys.
I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed. Then they punched my genitals. I stopped laughing.
I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.
Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive: they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta' dropped dead. Kinda' like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Damn cheap monkeys.
I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs.
I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys.
I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for a while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad.
I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't want to call the plumber. I was embarrassed.
I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't all go bad.
I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire.
Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odor wasn't improving.
I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use the bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better.
I tried throwing them way but the garbage man said that the city wasn't allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had a wet one. He couldn't take that one either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones.
I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My friends didn't know quite what to say. They pretended that they like them but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals.
I like monkeys!
oops, e in engleza!
_______________________________________ Think not, do not. I see dead people. Use the forks Luke!
An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall, so he called in an artist.
Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, "I am a history buff, and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind before he died. I am going out of town on business for a week, and when I return I expect to see it completed."
Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the finished work. To his surprise he found a painting of a cow with a halo. Surrounding the cow were hundreds of Indians in various stages of having sex in every imaginable position. Furious, he called the artist in.
"What the HELL is this?" screamed the billionaire.
"Why that's exactly what you asked for," said the artist smugly.
"No! I didn't ask for a mural of pornographic filth, I asked for a mural of the interpretation of Custer's last thoughts!"
And there you have it," said the artist. "I call it 'Holy Cow Look at All Those F*cking Indians.
explicatie: General Custer. In 1876 he thought his army batallion could win against a band of Sioux Indians, (trying to drive them back to the reservations) and got totally owned in the process. He found out (a little late) that the Sioux Army outnumbered his 3 to 1.
Hopa, si ASTA e in engleza!
_______________________________________ Think not, do not. I see dead people. Use the forks Luke!
The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. "Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded. "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any." The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."
Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?" She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me." He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. "Sweet mudder of Jesus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?" She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any." The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o Jasus, 'n the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."
_______________________________________ Think not, do not. I see dead people. Use the forks Luke!
A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, "Eddy what is your problem?" Eddy answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third -grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"
The teacher had had enough.
She took Eddy to the principal's office.
While Eddy waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.
The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.
The teacher agreed.
Eddy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Eddy: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Eddy: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know.
The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Eddy can go to the third-grade."
The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"
The principal and Eddy both agree.
The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Eddy, after a moment, "Legs."
Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!
Eddy replied, "Pockets."
Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Eddy: "Pants"
Teacher: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid? Eddy: Coconut
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer,
Eddy was taking charge.
Teacher: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky? Eddy: Bubblegum
Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.
Eddy: Shake hands
Teacher: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay? Eddy: Yep.
Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do. Eddy: Tent
Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.
Principal was looking restless and bit tense.
Eddy: Wedding Ring
Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good. Eddy: Nose
Teacher: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver. Eddy: Arrow
Teacher: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement? Eddy: Firetruck
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Eddy in the fifth-grade, I missed the last ten questions myself."
_______________________________________ Think not, do not. I see dead people. Use the forks Luke!
#10
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